Hobbit Humour

Everyone loves jokes. Don’t deny it. Even if they make you groan or roll your eyes into the top of your head, you still love them. And The Ivy Bush just happens to have the greatest collection of groan-worthy, eye-roller Tolkien themed jokes ever! They’re so bad, in fact, that they deserve their own page.

(Note: we do not take credit for all of these. Many are borrowed from other Tolkien fans and websites.)



Q. Who did Saruman marry?

A. Saruwoman!


Q. What do the Hobbits secretly call Gandalf when he drinks too much ale?

A. The White Whizzer!


Q. What was Frodo at Aragorn and Arwen’s wedding?

A. The Ring-bearer!


Q. How many Hobbits does it take to change a lightbulb?

A. None – there are no lightbulbs in Middle-earth!


Q. What do you call a wizard who knows how to hit a little white ball with a club?

A. Can-golf!


Q. Why did the Dwarves leave Erebor?

A. They didn’t like the pollution – there was too much Smaug!


Q. What did the Orc say after being shot by an Elf?

A. Well that was an arrowing experience! (harrowing)


Q. Why is it so hard to attack Barad-dûr?

A. Because no matter how many you open, there are always Mordors! (More doors)


Q. Why can’t Saruman read his wristwatch?

A. Because his arm has grown long!


Q. What did Pippin say when he was being carried off by the Uruk-hai?

A. You’re carrying me in an orcward position! (awkward)


Q. What is the Witch-king’s favourite book?

A. The Grapes of Wraith!


Q. Why didn’t Tom Bombadil answer the phone?

A. Because the Ring had no effect on him!


Q. What happened when the warg tried to bite Treebeard?

A. He found his fang gorn!


Q. What is a gardener’s least favourite LotR book?

A. The Return of the Kink!


Q. Why are Hobbit doors round?

A. If you ate seven meals a day you’d need round doors too!



Q. Why were the police looking for Sauron?

A. He was wanted for first degree Mordor! (murder)


Q. What did Galadriel say when Frodo offered her the Ring?

A. I do!


Q. How did the Hobbit ruin the boxing match?

A. He tried to destroy the Ring!


Q. How did the trolls find Gimli’s father at night?

A. He was Glóin in the dark!


Q. What did Pippin do when he got drunk?

A. He became Merry!


Q. What is Barliman Butterbur’s favourite cheese?

A. Bree!


Q. Why should you never call the Nazgûl ‘black riders’?

A. Because it’s wraith-ist! (racist)


Q. What is Legolas’ favourite chocolate bar?

A. Aero (arrow)!


Q. Have you heard about Aragorn’s father, Arathorn?

A. He has a prickly personality!


Q. What kind of pictures do Elves take?

A. Elfies (selfies)!


Q. What do you call a drunk Ent?

A. Tree-weird (Treebeard)!


Q. Who was the most volatile actor in The Lord of the Rings?

A. Orlando Boom!


Q. What is Gollum’s favourite bird?

A. A Smea-gull (seagull)!


Q. Where do Hobbits ride horses?

A. At the Frodeo!


Q. How many times do you have to phone Sauron?

A. Once – it only takes One Ring!